Still Lost

29th June 2022 “I am sitting here at Hammersmith Apollo waiting for the show to start, I am looking forward to seeing St Vincent live very much indeed. Another day of forcing myself out the door and out of the comfort zone with a single minded determination to just do stuff.

The support band were great but now I sit here between acts listening to the hubbub of conversation, laughs and chatter of happy couples and groups of people. What the fuck am I doing here on my own? The only sad bastard in town sitting writing a blog post I am sure. Anyway, the gig is about to start, more later.”

Well the gig was amazing, Annie Clarke, aka St Vincent, putting on such a polished performance of her amazing material was a sheer delight and very fitting to see her perform on the stage where Ziggy Stardust made his final bow. For me, I got through Los Ageless with just the admiration for the lyric I love but as ever it rattles round my head as the theme to me questioning everything that I am “how can anybody have you and lose you, and not lose their mind”. While I am doing pretty well, I am a long way from being able to answer that question.

Los Ageless “how can anyone have you….”

It got me thinking, which by tradition I am compelled to share with you my dear readers, about the recoils of shock that we all experience when a “successful celebrity with it all to live for” takes their own life or descends into a pit of alcoholism or depression. We think we know them through their performances but we haven’t got a clue. Why is that relevant? Well I’ve been putting the basic elements of life back together after the events of 2021 and I think most people I interact with on a day to day basis would say I am back to normal. At work I am Adrian again, focused on the issues at hand and steering the team. I can be Crazy Granddad any time around my wonderful grandkids, Dad when needed, Son, Uncle etc. But when I end up alone amongst a crowd of thousands they are all obviously a performance, roles that I play while the person within is still lost and trying to make sense of the world. This has been a very tough way to learn that none of us has the faintest idea what is going on in the minds of others.

Don’t panic dear reader, Adi will get this shit worked out and bounce back properly and I know full well I am never actually alone and am very lucky indeed to be surrounded by so many loving and caring people. As well as a few twats. I will continue to do whatever crazy shit takes my fancy as I search so don’t be too surprised if the green hair gets another outing. Now folks, put your fucking phone down and experience the world in full.

X Adi

2 thoughts on “Still Lost

  1. It doesn’t matter where you are or who you are with the loneliness will never go away (speaking from the heart as someone who knows) however you can go on and lead a full and happy life, till sometime in the future you will be knocked sideways again. Still struggling 🥰

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well done Adrian for getting back out there, but you hit the nail on the head when you said you look fine on the outside, but I know how you must be feeling on the inside.
    i am not as brave as you, I would love to get out there, but afraid to be alone amongst a crowd, maybe one day I’ll just pick a bag & get away.

    Big hugs my lovely, take care & colour the hair any shade that takes the mood.

    Love you xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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