I’ve been trying to work out what to say in this post in the countdown to it being a full year since Jackki left us all heartbroken, so many thoughts, observations and ideas have rattled into my head and out again and as I sit at the keyboard now I feel like I have so much to say and nothing to say all at the same time. The pain of the last year is just so raw and no, it doesn’t get better with time, you just learn to live around it. I’ll be honest, it has been a shit day and the next few days are going to be tough.

I post a lot of seemingly happy shit on facebook, when I review posts from my little trips it is like seeing into a parallel universe that looks like a much happier place than any of those experiences felt at the time. My head is just permanently one tiny thought away from tears flowing down my cheeks, no matter what I am doing and what my smiling mug in a photo would have you believe. The only times that have broken this pattern are the couple of times I have been out doing things that “we” wouldn’t have done, like the Grand Prix or motorcycling.

Some recent examples as I try to be as open as I can about this in the hope that by sharing I might help myself a little and if there is comfort in a shared experience then maybe someone reading this will get a small crumb of the same. Singing Happy Birthday to my Granddaughter on Sunday, glowing with reflected joy from a 4 year old and feeling so happy for her and the whole family, then bang, the head says Jackki would’ve adored this moment and my eyes are like High Force. Drunk with friends by a camp fire after a fantastic day off-road riding, cheering when the band agree to play some Green Day, then bang as soon as the opening chords of Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) bite deeply into me. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go, so make the best of this test and don’t ask why, it’s not a question but a lesson learned in time…..

I am writing this on the 26th Sept 2022, my granddaughters 4th birthday, would have been Ziggy’s 12th birthday and the first anniversary of the last kiss and last “I Love You” before Jackki went off by ambulance for what was supposed to have been another chance to recover her strength in hospital. I have no idea whether to be happy or sad and I cant concentrate on anything. How has a year passed already, despite social media appearances I have done nothing this year and just been existing, arkids final words of wisdom to “not waste time” stinging in my ears.

It’s been a weird couple of months since I last wrote a blog post and for a while there I was ignoring the pain and trying to press ahead, riding the bike with good friends certainly was a highlight and provided many genuine laughs. I really enjoyed the Abba night down the village hall, just one wobble on the leaky eyes front during Dancing Queen, I almost discount drunken nights out since it is easy to escape by getting pissed and that is not a path I intend to follow too often I can assure you. Around this time I stopped wearing my wedding ring, I was actively trying to move on and my loneliness isn’t going away without making an effort so this felt like the right thing to do, just a matter of time before I am fighting off female attention I am sure. Another great night at the village hall for Prelude, that nights’ moment being prompted by Neil Young’s Harvest Moon, “I wanna see you dance again”, but I brushed that off by spilling more beer.

On a lighter note as I reflect on 12 months without Jackki doing the shopping, I am still a long way from running out of washing up liquid, kitchen cleaner and bubble bath and if anybody needs any mould & mildew spray then just give me a shout, I still have a cupboard full. Off to see the David Bowie film thing, Moonage Daydream, tomorrow afternoon to avoid another day of sitting here feeling sorry for myself and I will try very hard to write something suitable for Wednesday when I work out what to do with myself on the day. So to mis-quote some more Green Day lyrics, I will continue to walk this lonely road but please wake me up when September ends.