Well well well, here we are again wondering what to do and what to write as a life update that celebrates the life of Jackki but doesn’t sound like I am permanently miserable, which would be far from the truth. This last 6 months with Caroline have been some of the best times possible and we are looking forwards and making new memories every day, but all of that is only possible through lives filled with love and heartbreak that make us who we are today. In my case that means Jackki is always with me, and will always be with me in whatever I do:

the me

you see

came from

the we

So life is good, love is great and that is said even though I live with grief every single day and wouldn’t have it any other way. I think it was HM Queen Elizabeth II who said that grief is the price you pay for love and I think that captures it perfectly.

As you will all know, when I posted on FB two years ago I referred to Jackki as my dancing queen. This was only ever a cryptic reference to her dancing in her seat only a few days earlier while attending the first part of the Tess Tickle show in St. Johns Chapel but it felt entirely appropriate to summarise the shining light that was our Jackki. Using the song as part of her memorial service seemed to add to the link and so many people now think only of Jackki when they hear that song, that thought brings both joy and tears. Today as you read this I will be on the way to London with Mum, Brian and Caroline to see the Abba Voyage show which seems the perfect way to celebrate Jackki’s life while also making new memories, although I doubt it will be as good as the Cowshill Village Hall version.

September has been challenging in a similar way to last year. Be it a date that is a multiple of 7, or a Tuesday bin day, there are so many weekly reminders that the dreaded 28 is fast approaching. I thought that time alone in Lanehead was the worst but this year discovered that visiting Broughton Astley was actually more painful. I think I have normalised my time in Lanehead now and recognise the signs of melancholy so I give them a little time and attention and then snap myself back into the wonderful present. Driving from Fosse Park to Broughton, so familiar and yet so different, I was not prepared for the fog to descend quite so badly and although I had a lovely weekend celebrating the grandkids birthdays, I found being there really tough. Rationalising this, as I do, perhaps this was because everything there is a memory about us and 20 happy years raising our family, nothing else really. Almost every happy family memory has it’s roots firmly planted in New Inn Close.

A very good friend was describing almost the opposite of that as a kind of coping mechanism, she referred to a happy little make believe and safe fantasy world where Jackki is only not around because she has moved to Lanehead. For most of us that is how grief and bereavement work, we protect ourselves and only think about the issue when we have no other choice through being confronted by facts or a memory, then the brutal reminder forces us to accept a reality that makes less sense than the fantasy. Losing a partner, sibling, parent or child however does not allow us the option of such an approach but we all do the same sub-consciously about others, perhaps.

To end on a little story of coincidence and missed opportunity, way back in Jackki & Adi – Part 4, I talked about the university year when Jackki shared a house with two lads and how immature and unimpressed I was at that time. Well just in the last month I was getting some pictures framed from a nice chap in Ireshopeburn, only 3 miles from home, who turned out to be one of those two lads! Jackki had suspected this to be the case but not successfully made contact, how bloody sad that she never got the chance to compare notes about life with someone who’s adult life had started just as she did by studying Chemistry and student living in Liverpool. John and I committed to addressing some of that by meeting up for some food later in the year and he did a fabulous job of my picture framing.

One of the pictures in particular is worthy of mentioning in a post about love and loss, it contains two portrait photographs from around 1940 of my grandparents. The photo of my Grandad shows him in his military uniform and is in pristine condition with a little message of love handwritten on the back. The one of my beloved Gran is dog eared and a little creased, with a similar message on the back, the damage clearly having been caused as he carried that little portrait with him throughout his wartime service through Europe and Africa.

Hope you have enjoyed this post without too many tears. Grab a hold of your loved ones today and have a little dance in memory of Jackki and in celebration of life, love and the future xx

Adi x