Back on the Treadmill

Was just flicking through my blog statistics and realised I haven’t posted anything for way too long. I can’t actually believe how quickly the last 6 weeks or so have passed me by with a lot of significant and emotional milestones along the way, if you’ve followed my FB posts you will have been spammed already but I’ll try to put some of that in here with a bit of context.

April and May have always been family months for me, the birthday season starts on 9th April with what would’ve been my Dad’s 79th (I think) birthday, navigates through mine, Dave’s and Mum’s birthdays and for the last 25 years the season has ended with the anniversary of the loss of my Dad on the 24th May. Emotions therefore run high, and for Mum and I especially, this year more than ever before, but we are working through it with a lot of happy times ahead.

My birthday was close to Easter this year so it was great to be able to spend time over the weekend with two of my wonderful grandchildren, Charlie and Esme, and then to see Perry on the actual day I turned 53. Sorry you missed out Liam but I will see you soon. We didn’t have lambs to feed and cuddle this year but we did have 6 chicks hatching over the weekend, held an Easter Egg hunt and Esme crafted a superb Easter bonnet using one of Jackki’s hats to win a prize down at the village hall. It was great to spend some quality time with the youngest member of the family, Charlie, who is growing so fast and is such a cheerful little fella.

Charlie and Nanna

Dave’s birthday was really fucking hard, no point pretending otherwise. Jackki’s illness and loss so soon after Dave shuffled off and left us last year meant I haven’t really processed the full impact of losing my little brother. I needed to be in a place special to him and to see what happened so I got up early and arrived at Cayton Bay around 8am, all just fine. As I walked onto our favourite empty beach a wave of sadness and loss pretty much overwhelmed me, never felt anything quite like it. So I sat on rocks waiting for the tide to go out enough to reach the “locals only” end of the beach and drinking the flask of coffee I was organised enough to have brought with me, thinking, processing. That was the hard part of the day for me.

Cayton Bay – best beach in all the land and all the world

After that I met up with Dave’s kids, George and Gracie, and their wonderful partners for a walk on the beach wearing our “What a Difference a Dave Makes” T-shirts and then I visited the arcade in Filey where Dave worked as a teenager. Followed all of this off with a pint in The Cask in Scarborough, one of Dave’s 6th-Form drinking pubs and since confronting all of that on arkids birthday I do feel considerably better able to deal with shit.

What a Difference a Dave Makes

Spending time with Mum on her birthday was lovely but the two of us are still hopeless at talking about the important stuff when we get together, I think we both know that all the words we could say about what we have been through don’t even need to be said, a hug says it all. We have lived such close and similar experiences and I feel closer to her and more amazed by her strength and determination than ever. X.

As we edge towards the 24th it is a joy that I am not really so fixated on that date this year. May will end forever more with the joyous celebration of Perry’s birthday and I am really looking forward to seeing him spoiled and commanding centre stage with all of his family around him on the 28th. Without the amount of time I’ve been lucky enough to spend with all my family and this little one in particular over the last 8 months I really am not sure I could have coped. Go ahead and re-claim the number 28 and make it a happy number my darling boy.

Well there had to be some mention of the football 🙂 CTID

2 thoughts on “Back on the Treadmill

  1. Lovely words as always Adrian. We have been through hell and are now slowly emerging. You are right we don’t say the words to each other, we don’t need to, we know how we feel and that hug goes a long way. We are so fortunate to have the little ones to make us laugh and realise life is still worth living, it’s what got me through in the past. I love you and am looking forward to the 28th for Perry’s 1st birthday celebration.

    Liked by 1 person

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