Figured I needed to capture an update as to how the grief journey is progressing as a departure from capturing the Jackki & Adi story, it’s been a few months since I tried to turn my confused head space into written word. I think it is fair to summarise that I expected that year 2 would be easier than year 1, no more firsts would mean less gut wrenching reminders surely? I was wrong. I now look back at the firsts of late 2021 and early 2022 and realise I was clearly still in a state of shock, my mind protecting me from the real horrors and allowing me to function on some kind of crazy auto pilot. The difficult questions “what next?” or “what’s the point?” that were only fleeting and easily shut down last year now find themselves front and centre waking me at 4am.

Bizarre as it seems now, this realisation that year 2 would be difficult hit me quite suddenly on October 15th, the anniversary of Jackki’s funeral. The date hadn’t entered my mind, I was sure all the firsts were behind me until some point during the day a Facebook memory smacked me down hard. I entered a 2 week period where I could barely function, reaching out to an online support group for the first time and slowly dragging myself out of the worst of it. The shared wisdom from the support group confirmed my fears that year 2 of grief can be harder than year 1 for many people and that this horrible journey was really still in its early stages. The period of apathy that followed me into November and December is still lingering as I enter 2023 wondering what to do with my life, looking forwards is way more difficult than looking back.

Jackki and I ran away from the world when we moved to Lanehead and our delightful surprise when we got here was the discovery of a community of genuinely lovely people who welcomed us with such warmth and friendship that we were instantly at home. My own strong desire to run away and travel was calmed by our time in this place, we had reached a destination that felt right on so many levels. So as my mind once again wants to run away, I’ve shared ideas for trips to the Outer Hebrides, Spain, Oman and even Saudi Arabia for fucks sake, I can’t work out what it is that I want to run from or to. My love for home is still strong and I can’t imagine living anywhere else but is that ever going to be enough? I have always been a live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself kind of person but I am currently trapped somewhere between great memories and no ideas for the future, but unable to enjoy the now.

This pathetic self pitying version of me is not pleasant company, I am less sociable and more grumpy than I want to be and look at myself as a lazy twat who isn’t getting anything done. Arkids last words ring in my head every day “don’t waste time” , what gives me the right to sit doing fuck all and writing all this meaningless drivel when all he or Jackki wanted was more time?

This all went to a darker place than I anticipated when I started writing. It is January, dark, wet and cold and everyone struggles for motivation. I will push on through this and come out stronger but sometimes you have to share the darker times to give some perspective.