Half a Fucking Year

6 months ago today the world was challenging but distinctly better. Jackki was doing okay on the health front and we were all knuckling down to support Dave on what we were sure was going to be a tough path to recovery. My biggest and most immediate concern was whether seeing Dave in hospital would upset my Mum, and whether or not to drive down to Wakefield to be there when she did. I mean, shit, we all knew he was “a bit poorly” and those of us closest knew that to be a classic Dave understatement, but it was all about supporting him through a battle and recovery, classic stay positive stuff.

We had spent the previous week swapping messages about wifi, Disney+, borrowing headphones and the massive amount of blood I had taken to check if they could use my bone marrow to help. I told him that due to the drugs he would be “just like Zammo for a few weeks” and he pointed out that he wasn’t allowed to “just say no”. When I visited we just talked absolute bollocks the entire time I was there, distraction therapy I guess.

Thankfully I decided to drive to Wakefield that day and 6 months later I still cant process what happened and how I got through it, where the fuck does that inner strength come from when needed? I cant even write about my own words and actions that day without crying now, not damp eyes either, proper fucking sobs. How does a Brother partition away his own heartbreak to be an Uncle explaining the situation to a Niece and Nephew he loves like his own kids? How does a Brother help support his Mum as she watches her baby boy slip away? How does a Brother support a loving partner who’s dreams, plans and life have been utterly shattered? I have no answers to these questions Brother.

The earth has travelled 292 million miles since you closed your eyes Arkid but we have all been standing still, processing our loss. It will never make sense and my heart breaks for Mum, Gill, George & Gracie. I am trying to grieve for you but Jackki couldn’t let you have all the attention so I am still a little distracted. I went to Swinton last Sunday, walked from Brook Street up to Crommy on the route we took for those few brief months when we had a long walk to school together back in 1985. I also went on the moss and circled back round Chelford Drive in an attempt to get my head around who I am without you both, still working on that one.

Chelford Drive

Sorry if this post is a bit me me me, poor old me, which wasn’t my intention, I just like to catalogue what happened and what I am feeling now. As a story it doesn’t go anywhere and was never meant to, see you in a few million miles.

6 thoughts on “Half a Fucking Year

  1. You write and say what we all feel. I am still shell shocked about what happened that day and My heart is broken for all of us. You were a tower of strength to us all that day and I’m only sorry I can’t be there for you when you need me for a hug. Life goes on and we have lots to look forward to with the children but it will never be the same. Love you xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a privilege to read your heartfelt thoughts Adi👍 Your lovely family will give each other strength and you will all get through this together even though things will never be the same.

      Karen says you you write beautifully for a man who swears so much and I said you write beautifully for an electrical engineer😉

      Love to you all from both of us and take care mate👍🍻

      Liked by 1 person

  2. What can I say ?? I have no words, losing a sibling is one tough life lesson but to loose the most precious and dearest of people who was your beautiful wife just weeks later leaves more than a hole in the heart.
    My heart is broken for you as I have heartfelt empathy for the loss of both your loved ones but more so for Jackki as she was more than just a friend she was family to us all in The Williams household and a very special diamond. Yes you’ve got me again as I’m now trying to type blurry eyed.
    Big hugs and lots of love to you all as always x 💗

    Liked by 1 person

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